is selfcare selfish?

So, it’s been a pretty full on week in the Porter household. GCSE exams began in earnest – a full timetable this week, and study leave starting on Monday; Paediatrician appointment for T (and all the next steps admin to do afterwards!); dentist for B,A & T; Thy Kingdom Come prayer room to set up at church… etc, etc. Plus of course the little extras  like a grit-filled grazed knee (never easy with sensory processing difficulties).

Needless to say I woke up this morning feeling pretty rotten really. Tired, weary, and my body feeling stressed through and through.

I am learning as I get older (prob not wiser!) that mornings like that are a sign I need some time out and some head-space. Thankfully it’s been a flexible enough day for that to happen really easily and I’ve been pottering in the garden – while the kids are at school. But it is difficult not to feel guilty!

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Andrew doesn’t get the same chance, so here I am pottering in the sunshine while he is busy finishing prep for Sunday, and taking a few forgotten items down to church for the prayer room. And later, when we’re all back in he’ll be the one cooking dinner – and highly likely clearing up afterwards too! The house around me is in a serious mess as always (I hold on tight to the saying ‘a tidy house is a sign of a wasted life’!!), and the loos need cleaning, clothes need washing, bed covers need changing – and I’ve already pulled back from some of the busy things of the week to try and prevent this feeling – and all I can think right now is just how desperately I need some space, some less intense, down-time before school finishes and it all gets going again. Health professionals, friends, the TV all tell me self-care is important… but what does it mean as a Christian? I was brought up on verses like these, and the example of wonderfully busy, always-helping-people parents:

 ..don’t just do the minimum that will get you by. Do your best. Work from the heart for your real Master, for God, confident that you’ll get paid in full when you come into your inheritance. Keep in mind always that the ultimate Master you’re serving is Christ. The sullen servant who does shoddy work will be held responsible. Being a follower of Jesus doesn’t cover up bad work. (MSG Colossians 3:23)

Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labour in the Lord is not in vain. (1 Cor 15:58 NIV)

Isn’t self-care giving up, failing to meet these high standards?? Not being strong enough, good enough, enough?? Is self-care selfish?? It’s true, I sit here wishing I were stronger, more capable, that my body was more resilient and didn’t get so overwhelmed by anxiety symptoms so very often! But actually that is the body and mind I get to work with, that is my gift from God and it’s vulnerable, fragile, and real at the same time as being thoughtful, creative, tenacious. I simply cannot do more, and on days like these stopping for a bit is necessary if I am to stay well enough to be of any use to my family let alone anyone else, but is that an okay thing to think as a Christian?

As a father has compassion on his children,
    so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how we are formed,
    he remembers that we are dust.
15 The life of mortals is like grass,
    they flourish like a flower of the field… (Psalm 103:13-15 NIV)

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I don’t know the answer – if there is one! But I do know I am a child of a Father full of compassion who knows better than I do just how my body works and keeps going, who knows how my mind, my emotions and body all hold together and who loves me. The same Father who gave us a rest day as a pattern for good living. The same who took Elijah to the stream and let him sleep when he felt he couldn’t go on, then fed him, and let him sleep some more. Maybe instead of self-care I could do with rephrasing what’s essentially needed on days like this – not self-care, rather Daddy daughter time… time to rest, sleep, eat under his watchful eye, and allow him to care for me before sending me back to it (13 mins till I set off for pick up!) keeping close enough to sit me down again when I next need a breather. It’s possible I could live with that!

 

 

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Dreaming of better things

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The other week we managed a cinema trip as a whole family!! (a good reminder that miracles do happen!) We watched ‘The Greatest Showman’, and absolutely loved it. Each of us enjoying the music and dancing, the editing, the story.

As usual we came away with plenty to talk about – as well as new songs stuck in our heads, that have to be sung. And this film left us with questions that needed answers.

Based loosely on the life story of Mr Barnum, the man who dreamed circuses into being the story depicts society misfits – through class, colour and through disability – coming together to forge themselves a place in the world, to be accepted and recognized as valuable. And so it deals with big themes; rejection, prejudice, contentment and discontent, affirmation, belonging, the human spirit, community…

Now the film depicts Mr Barnum as a lovable flawed hero whose dream creates a family by bringing a group of people together who have only ever found rejection. It does wrestle a little with his own sense of rejection and his striving after social acceptance which leads to him turning his back on his troupe in pursuit of his ultimate dream. But even so he is the film’s hero. Yet as my A quickly found out when we’d got home the real Mr Barnum story was almost exclusively the struggle to make it in the world – and none of the creating of a family. Yes he did collect together social misfits but he didn’t even come close to treating them kindly or as equals. So is the way the film lets us believe in a better version of history at best misleading, at worst glossing over the reality of the prejudice and inhumane treatment of those of different race or of different abilities by society in the past? Or does it actually give us a vision of something to strive for – a community of equality and respect?

So how can I talk with my children about these things?

Is Hollywood history? Is it right for film makers to tell history in a better light? How important is it to find out truthful history? What really happened? Does God ever ignore the tragic or wrong, does he ever only see the good in our lives and our stories?

‘these hands could hold the world but it’ll never be enough’ What did the characters want most in the world? Did they find it? Can we ever find and get everything we long for or think we need? Are we wanting the same things that God wants for us I wonder?

I am the Lord your God. I brought you up out of Egypt. Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it with good things. (Ps 81:10 NIRV)

Find your delight in the Lord. Then he will give you everything your heart really wants. (Ps37:4 NIRV)

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Can we ‘rewrite the stars’? In 2017 headlines were telling us that hate crime against people with disability had increased by 150% over 2 years in the UK. And statistics showed a marked increase in race and faith based hate crime following the Brexit referendum in the UK.  Prejudice is still very much an active part of society in the here and now. The characters Philip & Anne wanted it to be different but didn’t know where to begin. What can we do to change things? Is it possible? Does God also have a dream to change things? What will things look like and be like in the world he’s going to make?

Cause every night I lie in bed
The brightest colors fill my head

A million dreams are keeping me awake
I think of what the world could be
A vision of the one I see
A million dreams is all it’s gonna take
A million dreams for the world we’re gonna make (Lyrics from ‘A million dreams)

‘I am brave, I am bruised. I am who I’m meant to be, this is me.’ These are words from the song Lettie sings when she sees that Barnum has also let them down. ‘Won’t let them break me down to dust. I know that there’s a place for us. For we are glorious.’ Barnum is the main character of the film, but who are the other heroes? Why are they heroes? Have you ever felt let down like Lettie? Have you ever felt brave like Lettie? Who or what makes you brave?

‘a celebration of humanity’ the newspaper reporter concedes that another reporter might even have said his circus was a celebration of humanity. In what way are all unique? Is difference something to celebrate and value? Does God celebrate difference – does he value all of humanity? How does our understanding of God change how we behave towards others?

For the love of Christ puts us into action. We are sure that Christ died for everyone. (2 Cor 5:14 NLT)

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Ten questions about prayer

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I’ve written before about praying in our family life… the ups and downs, the triumphs and perceived failures. Prayer is right in there at the heart of a life of faith, right there at the heart of what it is to live as a Christian. And it seems to me that, in our family at least, there are quite a number of questions about it that hang around in the background of the practical ways and opportunities that we use together to pray as a family. Sometimes it’s good to look the questions in the eye and ask myself – am I helping my children to learn about these? Am I giving them opportunities to gain experience that will help them find answers? Am I modelling and talking about prayer in ways that helps with these questions or that makes it all the more confusing?

  1. Why? Why do we pray? I think this goes hand in hand with ‘do I have to?’, and for me I see this question being mulled over, often unspoken, at bedtimes when we have an expectation of a habit of prayer before sleep. We have tried to pray with our children as an integral part of their bedtime routines since they were tiny. And we have certainly prayed for them at this part of the day since they were babies. Our children know that before sleep, we pray. And sometimes the pressure of that expectation actually forces this question – but why???, or do I have to???2016-03-03 10.19.20 The word ‘prayer’ is from middle English, adopted from the Anglo-Norman which in turn is from the Latin meaning ‘to earnestly beg’. But our word prayer is used to translate a number of Hebrew words, and also a number of Greek words in the Bible not just one. And they mean more than ‘beg’, there are words meaning worship, to represent someone to the judge, to bend towards, to bow, to hope and to trust. So am I making this rich breadth of meaning clear to my children if the word ‘prayer’ is my default way of inviting them to talk with God? If I long for my children to experience prayer as a scared space of connecting, talking, listening and being in God’s presence – as something worshipful and relational – then it would help them if I were to model all sorts of ways of praying, and talk about my own experience of coming close to God in prayer.
  2. Does prayer work? I ‘hear’ this question being wondered about when I sense them getting disheartened that they feel their prayers have ‘not been answered’ – or in other words they haven’t been given what they asked for. I think this question also ties in with knowing more and more what prayer is all about – that it is more than a wish list that we read out to God. I think it also plays into our growing understanding of who God is and his purposes. I want to say more often than I do ‘God is not a slot machine, prayer is not us putting in the coin’. front cover 3.pubI want to help my children pray boldly when they have requests for God and I want them to experience God always answering their prayers – and learning to look for those answers beyond their expectations. I wonder if I am sharing my experiences with them, am I telling my stories of answered prayer? I want them to know that God doesn’t always just say yes but he always listens, and always answers whether that’s with a yes, or a not now, or a no. This seems to be quite a tricky one for all of us to get our heads around so I’ve been busy writing a book to help explore this. It’s called ‘So many answers!’ & it will be available very soon! (I’m very excited!!)
  3. Who am I talking to when I pray? The other questions behind this might well be ‘who is God, is that the same as Father God?’, ‘who is Jesus?’, ‘is Jesus God?’, ‘who is the Holy Spirit?’. Am I ready for these questions? I wonder which parts of the Bible will help me to share with my children what Christians believe about God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit? Could I turn to the story of creation where it talks about the Spirit hovering over the waters, and God is described as ‘us’, and then turn to the beginning of John and look at how the Word (Jesus) was there from the very beginning creating our world? Maybe I could draw a picture together with my children about when Jesus was baptized and he heard the Father’s voice, and saw the Spirit fall on him? Have my children heard prayers begun in different ways, addressing Father, Jesus, Lord, Creator God, Spirit…?
  4. Is God really listening? Is God really there? My children are logical, often literal in the way they make sense of their world. When we pray we don’t generally ‘see’ God there with us physically. He is different from us. It is mind-blowing and mysterious to think of God being close, ever-present, like us (we are in his image) yet so different (holy, eternal…), invisible yet we can talk together and be in his presence. It can be hard to accept the unseen, intangible is real. 20170212_114109Yet thankfully my logical, often literal children are very keen scientists! So I can use examples of other invisible-to-our-physical-eyes, intangible things we can experience that they have no problem believing are real – electricity, forces, dimensions, air, atoms, gravity… We see and experience the effects of these things despite not seeing them. In a similar way we see and experience the effects of God’s presence. Am I listening and watching for their experiences of God’s presence and naming it? Am I sharing testimony of things that inspire me in faith? Am I praying for their faith to increase, and for them to experience God’s presence in deeper ways?
  5. Does God ever speak back? How can we explore the many ways God seeks us out and speaks to us? The Bible stories, Moses, Saul/Paul, Samuel all come to mind to chat about. How am I facilitating my children broadening their experience through chatting with other Christians, hearing about their experiences and answered prayers; listening to how others have been guided by the whisper or the thundering voice of God, or by pictures and dreams.
  6. What am I allowed to pray about? Am I letting my children see me send urgent arrow prayers through the day; rejoice and praise; trust God with worries, difficult questions, heartache; are they able to join us in our ongoing intercessions? Am I still carving out opportunities to invite them into prayer at different times and circumstances? Have I, and do I clearly give permission to my children to talk to God about absolutely anything and everything?
  7. How can I choose the right words? or ‘is there a right way of praying?’, or ‘what happens if I get it wrong?’. 20171115_110630[1]When the disciples asked Jesus to teach them to pray they were probably asking the same question. Jesus gave them an invitation which of course begins ‘Our Father…’ – an invitation to come close to the perfect loving Father who knows us better than we will ever know ourselves. Knowing who we come to, and realizing prayer is about relationship, family time means we can come without fear of failing to pray ‘right’. I wonder how many different ways of praying my children have been a part of? Have I been only using liturgical prayers, or only extempore prayer, do we actively encourage meditative prayer, imaginative Ignation prayer, sung prayers… are we getting a variety of experiences?
  8. When should I pray? I suppose I’m asking myself similar questions as I did for qu 6. What am I modelling for them in my own prayer life? do they see I have a prayer life? And am I prompting or enabling praying at all times and in all circumstances?
  9. Does God want me to pray? I want them to find out more about God’s delight in us coming into his ever-with-us presence when we pray, how he wants to speak to us about things beyond our imagination and expectations, and about how his love for us can be known in every single answer he gives us. How often am I praying for them to know God’s love for them deeper and deeper? How often am I speaking Father God’s love over them and into them? And, am I showing them that love in the way I parent?
  10. Does my prayer change anything? Won’t God do what he has already decided to do? C.S. Lewis said of prayer ‘it doesn’t change God, it changes me!’. Mother Teresa said ‘I used to believe prayer changes things. Now I know prayer changes us, and we change things.’ Exploring this question is so closely tied to exploring why we pray, and who we are talking to when we pray. And it touches on another mysterious paradox too, we are predestined yet have freedom to genuinely live our own way; God is sovereign yet he invites us to become part of his work in the world; God knows what is before us, and what will happen, he knows our prayers before we even think them but he longs for us to be part of it, he asks us to intercede for others, to talk to him. Am I ready to hear my children’s questions here, and acknowledge the paradox, and be alongside as they discover we can’t understand God fully or pin him down, but that we can know he invites us into his presence because it’s home, it’s where we find everything we need to truly thrive. Prayer changes us.

 

SOS!

Now what do you do when a good friend at church brings you a present – a bag of spare salt dough! Roll up your sleeves & dive in of course…

I’ve been pottering, in between everything else, putting together some ‘SOS adventure bags’ which I hope will eventually become a bit of a library of resources for families at church. SOS comes from the name of our church’s accessible service ‘sense of space’, but I love how it also means ‘help! rescue us!’ it seems incredibly apt on so many levels! Each bag is essentially (I hope) going to be an all age story sack with resources and ideas – with SEND in mind – for exploring a Bible story at home together.

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So far I have made a start with two very visual ones… Jonah, and Noah – both of course with plenty of scope for imaginative play ideas, colourful and sensory rich exploring experiences and good storytelling. Also both with really tough themes, God’s generous forgiveness (and our struggle with it), and God’s holiness and righteous judgement (and of course our struggle with it!).

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So I am now on the look out for just the right books to add to both of these, I’m thinking testimony/biography, short enough, inspiring and gutsy. I’ve also bought a prism which I need to make a little bag for – to explore rainbows and God’s promises. There are activities and website addresses to find out more in these too – which may need occasional updating but I love the idea of them being a rich & varied resource that will have something in to appeal to each member of a family (hopefully).

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Noah bag so far has: a rainbow dice with prayer ideas for each colour; a puzzle; an ark 7 animal playset; suggestions for imaginative play together to explore ‘rescue’; a lovely version of the story by Susie Poole; the prism with suggested activities; invitation to play a memory game to explore ‘remembered’; and hopefully a biography.

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Jonah bag so far has: story book (Lion childrens ‘my very first Bible stories’); a recipe for stained glass heart biscuits; British sign language signs to learn ‘I love you’, ‘sorry’; a big fish & a Jonah to play with, a sensory sand prayer tray in a tub – with prayer prompts in; a Topz diary (by CWR) looking at forgiveness – mine loved these in their tweens; a suggestion for play to explore hiding; a suggestion to measure things to explore how big God’s love might be; and a link to find out more about Ninevah and what we know about it from archaeology. And then a book for the grown ups to be decided!

So anyway, back to the salt dough… we rolled up our sleeves and dived in. My mind went straight to these bags. What about hanging decorations with a verse written across a few that can be hung in order and learnt? What about fish – they are not something I have a playset of – beautiful colourful, individual fish could make lovely tactile prayer prompts or be played with…

Then hands, and hearts. So many stories could be explored and experienced in a new way through these tactile shapes. So next out with the acrylic paints, and then the varnish and I can see the next couple of bags beginning to take shape.

Please, please comment with your ideas of things or activities, or good books I could potentially include in these bags…

Easter photo diary

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So sorry to have missed posting last Thursday, it has proved a very busy couple of weeks. So rather than missing another week, I’m hoping you won’t mind a post with more photos than words! (probably a welcome relief!!)

Last Thursday schools finished for the Easter break, and simultaneously Andrew’s parents arrived for the weekend and we all went to church to ‘help’ set up for Passover – it helps considerably to get there ahead of the crowds.

Passover itself went as smoothly as could be expected with a very tired T who didn’t really want to be there! The ramp up to the front of church was a useful escape place a couple of times, and we averted a meltdown by escaping to a corner to calm down. So thankful for the support of church family at these events – no tutting or staring, just acceptance! And wonderful friends who are able to coax T and distract her when I’m reaching the end of my patience…

Good Friday was a spacious, informal hands on experience at church. Thinking about Jesus’ hands and our own. It was meaningful, poignant as always to be exploring faith and reflecting together with all ages and abilities.

Followed by a family afternoon with all its usual ups and downs, finishing with popcorn & a film.

We survived Saturday!

Easter Sunday was an early start for Andrew, followed by a whole church family celebration with bacon butties which the rest of us joined for. Afterwards a lovely table full of guests and good food for lunch, then back to church for our accessible service in which we explored clues from the Easter story to find out what happened to Jesus & his friends.

Since then our visitors have travelled home, it has rained – a lot!- we have had lazy pj days with lots of TV, some gardening, some tidying, some window washing (I know, what came over me!), table sanding, sleepless nights and talk of revision, and of course chocolate eating!!

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