when you are walking…

when you walk

I love this paraphrase, it seems to capture the activity of family life – we definitely fall into bed at the end (or often, like tonight after the end) of the day…

I can’t sleep, I’ve had the opportunity in the last couple of days to give some time to my writing and have managed to finish a book I’ve been working on & upload it onto a indie publishing site, and it’s looking almost there so I’ve ordered a proof copy – in a few days I’ll be holding a physical copy of my own book in my hands. I will of course take pictures and let you know more when it gets here.

Its no wonder I can’t sleep, that’s just too much adrenaline after a busy couple of weeks so I’m feeling the anxiety symptoms that come and go for me… better to do something to take my mind off them I’m thinking so here I am typing… if it’s ok with you I’m just going to reflect on the day thinking about that verse from Deuteronomy. What did I talk about with my family today, about faith, about God’s ways?

The day began earlier than I would like for a Saturday – nothing new, wish I could get used to that! – T up first, needing me after a nightmare (she’s getting lots again at the moment, and I’d had to go to her in the night for them too) and then discovering she was actually ready for breakfast. I prayed sleepily (briefly & in a rather muddled way) about her nightmares as I got cereal in a cup, a spoon & some fresh water for her to have in bed… then I had a chance to pray a little more when the cereal she’d described turned out to have been interpreted wrongly by Mummy and so more had to be fetched! I wish I could help her to find Jesus in the midst of her nightmares and ask for help even as she dreams… we talked the other day when we were walking home in the dark after something or other (I forget what) because she was very afraid in the dark and was ‘seeing’ monsters in every bush and gateway. I had read in the book ‘Can you hear me’ that I wrote about last time, that instead of immediately saying ‘there are no monsters here, stop being frightened’ to a child, try talking instead about how Jesus is great at getting rid of monsters… so we talked and I asked Jesus to tell monsters to go out of our path, and T kept reminding Him after that prayer all the way home. I saw a noticeable change in her level of fear as we prayed. Thankful. Need to ask for wisdom about how to show her she can do the same even in a nightmare…

After I’d got up and showered we began the tasks of the day – much housework needed (the number of parts of the house that I look at & think I can’t leave it any longer is growing!!). B & A sitting downstairs with minecraft; Andrew sermon writing for a funeral next week… I checked my e-mails and found the uploads were ready for proof reading… T still my little shadow so sat her with me & I read her the book looking for errors as I went… she was quite fidgety as always, but she loved the pictures and entered into the emotion of the girl in the story – Phoebe as she discovered some of the reasons why Good Friday is good… she was especially responsive to the picture in the part of the story which describes how things get so broken we could never mend them when we do things God asks us not to do… think she got that feeling of helpless guilt… though she didn’t put it into those words the picture clearly resonated with her…

…so to housework! I began with hall & bedrooms (no I don’t tidy them all but T just can’t tackle it alone yet and we had reached the ‘I can’t find anywhere to put my feet now, do you actually have a carpet somewhere?’ stage). I potter and tidy & hoover, T plays dolls alongside… strangely we talk about ‘lost & found’ (we found part of a toy in amongst the mess that she had been looking for, and she was playing with a fluffy rabbit who we had lost for over a week after a walk to the dentist after school, but who had been found, washed & brought home by a couple in church who had spotted it just yesterday). She remembered that there is a story about a lost coin in the Bible, so we got chatting about it and I reminded her we have also read about a lost sheep and a lost boy in the Bible too…she chatted to me about how sad she was when Angelina (the rabbit) was lost, and how great it was to have her back…  Next time we read those Bible stories I hope I remember to remind her of those feelings and help her see that God has those feelings about us too.

my jesus family-Dorothy book

a sneaky preview from a different book I am working on

When B & A were up and dressed I took B & T into town to the library, market and of course the sweet shop… I loved the way B helped T get there on her scooter (she seems to get so very tired and achy legged when we walk anywhere, even when she scoots – and then everything gets so very whingy) which is why I took a sneaky picture. It’s lovely when they look out for each other like that. Just next to the library there is usually an Eastern European (I think) woman selling the Big Issue. Today she saw me coming (we have chatted a few times now) and pulled me in for a hug and a kiss on the cheeks which was unexpectedly lovely. She has not met the kids before so she wanted to talk to each of them and she told us a bit about her kids. We promised to come back after the sweet shop when we had change. As we walked on B whispered to me that she’d heard some people walk past saying things like ‘move this side, no don’t go & buy one’… B felt discouraged I think that the woman might have people trying to walk past her without even a smile (or worse) for the rest of the day… we wondered together how many might but also how many would gladly go & buy from her and say hello. Was able to talk about how the Big Issue is a magazine sold by people without homes, often like the woman we met today (must ask her name next time I see her!!!) supporting families. Selling the magazine helps them to help themselves towards a more secure job, and then more secure housing hopefully…I go on praying that Andrew & I can show the kids by our embrace of others how God feels about every single person…not always easy… but its my prayer…

After lunch, dishwasher, and another washing machine load Andrew took B out to practice putting up a tent with her friends who are doing the Duke of Edinburgh bronze award with her… so I persuaded T & A into the garden – its been a really glorious day here, mild, blue sky & some sunshine on the daffodils… we brought the guinea pigs out into their run, did some garden tidying, played frisbe together, they went on the trampoline (till that got difficult), we filled the incinerator bin … T found a ladybird – named it Phoebe, found a pot for it & some leaves – wants to keep it as a pet! Inevitable… A talked to me while I sorted the twigs and cuttings needing to go in the bin, talked with excitement about minecraft and what he was creating in his world… but looking back I didn’t lead that into even a passing comment on how excited God gets about His creation, missed opportunity??…

2015-10-08 17.42.09

Then everyone back, and getting tired. T began to get nervous about a party she is going to so TV went on while I went to think about getting tea… couldn’t think what to cook at all tonight, I run out of emotional steam very fast when I think about cooking for everyone sometimes…

After tea I took T to bed, dozed off waiting for her to go to sleep. Hate it when that happens, I feel disoriented when I wake up!  Went to get A & B, put the kettle on for hot water bottles and drinks. Then prayers with A (really want to find another way of bringing the Bible in at bedtime with A – he listens to a Bible reading & prayers with Andrew in the mornings but I’m aware that prayers at bedtime are very brief with him at the moment…will have to have another look for resources… do you know of any? do comment & let me know!), then bedtime for B. We read the lent verse next in the book and chatted about it while she went through her routine of getting ready to settle to sleep.

My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” (2 Cor 12:9) (NLT)

We pondered what we could draw as a colouring page for that verse, maybe someone weight lifting but with help? something very small achieving the impossible because of help? We talked about how I knew the verse but from the NIV, and whether the two ways of wording it meant the same…

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  (2 Cor 12:9) (NIV)

Think I might draw feathers (If I can!!) – they are so delicate, so fragile in some ways, but dance in the wind, can take a bird half way around the world buoyed up by the air currants – think they speak to me of God’s powerful Spirit at work under-girding and around my human fragility, working something that can achieve, endure and working something beautiful and unexpected through and in us…I’ll begin it in a gap tomorrow hopefully – its been a lot harder to find the sitting still space to do them now we are back into term time…

Once B was asleep I got ready & into bed… but just couldn’t sleep… watched a programme about the refugee crisis I’ve been wanting to watch before it comes off iplayer. I’m sure it wasn’t the best time for me to watch (& worry, & wonder what else I can do, and feel teary, and pray) but glad I’ve managed to – just don’t want to forget the reality of it – the reality people are living with right now, not that far from my world here though they may as well be in another world their reality is so very different from life here…

Made another cup of tea, still feeling pretty rough & unable to relax in any way – sat here to write…

…and now? … yep not feeling quite so overwhelmed by anxiety symptoms… might go & see if I can sleep for a little bit before it’s another day, with new opportunities to remember and recognise His loving presence and to talk of His ways…

 

 

 

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5 responses

  1. Cathy you make this look effortless! Writing so beautifully after such a full day (and a full life). Very excited about the book becoming real, can I place my order now?

    Like

  2. Thank you for being so honest about your day. I have a daughter with fragile x who has autistic behaviours. I understand the difficulty sleeping and anxieties that are often unspoken. Your post helped me so much.

    Like

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