When it’s just too much to write

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So I’ve been busy – busy feeling guilty about not writing! Having tried to write really regularly missing 3 weeks has actually been hard. But there has been such a lot going on, and when I’ve had time I haven’t had enough energy, and when I’ve had the energy not the time!

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Well this week we are camping, and today is a wet day. So I thought why not share my view with you. Here I am surrounded by Lego and discarded crisp packets having already been to the gorgeous little stream and dabbled, paddled & doodled. The cousins and mine are plotting and planning Minecraft realms which they share, so here I am with a space to breathe.

To fill you in we have helped lead the holiday club at church. It was a good week, lots of laughter, games, crafts and chatting faith. T had some friends from school with her in her group which she enjoyed. For the first time A was a young leader, he was good at it… and even became the model for his groups technicolour Joseph coat.

Then we rushed our packing and set off to New wine, the Christian conference we go to each summer. This year we experienced our very own miracle – for the first time T went to every session of her age group meeting with the support of our place (new wine’s inclusion stream) which in turn meant I could go to every single morning session and seminar. That was such a blessing. Great grounded teaching from Jo Saxton about us being ordinary people in the hands and purposes of our extraordinary God. Refreshing worship and real encounters with God. Encouragement and challenge and opportunity for prayer ministry.

New wine is always about community. A practical reminder that I cannot, and am not meant to be able to do it all alone. I am made to live in interdependence with others in my community and the family of God. It is so easy to find myself, in the middle of the kinds of chaos we have in our family life wanting to withdraw and somehow protect myself and children from perceived judgement or misunderstanding from others. I really need regular reminders of how much I need others, of how I am not made to do this in isolation – however difficult that sometimes feels.

And this week we continue with community, camping with my sister & her kids. It’s great to share parenting, meeting the kids needs and enjoying time with them and each other. As a result of my planning ahead I signed us up to the RSPB wild challenge and that has steered us through some lovely nature based activities (that I brought a few bits to help us be prepared for) that we have had fun with. We have stargazer Found wierd and wonderful many legged sea creatures in rockpools and made art from leaves. There has also been a soggy beach visit! A surprise meet up with friends at a castle! Unexpected cuddles with cornsnakes and meercats. And a very very steep uphill walk or two. (Plus lots of biscuits & chocolate into the mix!)

Ps 18v29

 

 

 

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transitions and anxiety

Monday was ‘transition day’, the day when our local family of schools all have a taster day for the following year, whether that’s the next class in the same school or in a new school altogether. A day to meet the teacher, meet your new class mates and get familiar with the routine and lay out of a new place. For T it’s a change of schools, up to juniors. For A just a change of tutor and timetable. And also Tuesday was leavers assembly and prom day for B, really making it clear that the familiar routine of school is finished and it’s time to try and get used to the idea of college in September.

Add into that sports day, talent show rehearsal, school musical rehearsals, doctors appointments, unexpected visits to family, the house beginning to fill up with church holiday club scenery and its been quite a time since my last post, with huge amounts of anxiety, plenty of avoidance, tears and clingyness.

T is getting a lot more confident with reading at the moment, and as we walked to school this morning she read ‘transit’ on the back of a van.

“That van says transition day Mummy”

“It does have the beginning of that on it doesn’t it. It says ‘transit’, it’s a transit van”

quizzical look.

“Transit means to move something. The van is designed to help us move things. Transition means moving from one thing to a new thing”

“It’s moving me. Transition day was about moving me to a new school?”

“Exactly”

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Movement is a funny thing, it can be soothingly repetitive (as long as you are the one in control of that movement I think – nothing more irritating that someone else’s pacing or tapping!), it can on the other hand cause motion sickness, or dizziness, or tinnitus on days when nothing is still or quiet for a second. Movement can be exciting, getting us to places and people we’ve been looking forward to being with. It can be scary, getting us to unfamiliar or stressful places and people. Movement is tiring. It is tiring to think that life could be thought of as perpetual transit! But life is full of movement, of transitions.

When I got home from the school drop off (which by the way was really stress free this morning! Always unexpected and a relief) I played with Padfoot & Jaffa for a bit (trying to make sure they get good attention before I get stuck into work) and when they got tired they both climbed onto my knee and flopped to sleep purring loudly. It was beautiful. But I was kneeling on the kitchen floor, so soon my ankles were going to sleep, and my knees aching (must be getting old!), so I tried to gently move. Not even the smallest movement was possible without waking them. Eyes opened, ears pricked up as if to say ‘what? why? where?’ They readjusted, shuffled, tried to get floppy comfy again every time but the movement stopped them feeling safe and relaxed. After a couple of attempts of freeing my ankles and sitting differently they hopped off in disgust and went to find a predictable, un-moving resting place – where they have happily stayed curled up as I am writing.

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They remind me of my girls. No matter how gradually, how small each movement, transitions make them twitchy and uncomfortable. They are unsettled by it. They both find it really difficult to visualize an unfamiliar place or event, they cannot prepare for change easily without support. So anxiety is high, meltdowns increase, and sensory overload is pretty much round every corner because senses are heightened when they are in constant alert.

There are things that can support transitions.

  • Good visual social stories can help with visualizing the unfamiliar and are tangible, and can be referred to over and over (and over) again.
  • A visual timetable for the transition, with definite dates and times.
  • Collecting factual information about the unfamiliar event or place.
  • chocolate (- that’s just for me!!)
  • A visual timetable in advance (and taken along) of each small step of the transition.
  • Doing the steps with someone familiar alongside.
  • Practice walks of new routes, or places.
  • support with emotions, identifying them and ‘sitting with’ them as they come and go.
  • prayer!
  • A steady pace with rests – not always possible of course! Grab resting places wherever you can (time with special interests, chances to zone out)
  • patience!
  • Keeping other things as steady and familiar as possible while change is happening – again not always possible but usually we can find something that can stay constant even if it is something as seemingly insignificant as not changing the bedding until next week if it’s all a bit much this week.

Is 41v10

 

is selfcare selfish?

So, it’s been a pretty full on week in the Porter household. GCSE exams began in earnest – a full timetable this week, and study leave starting on Monday; Paediatrician appointment for T (and all the next steps admin to do afterwards!); dentist for B,A & T; Thy Kingdom Come prayer room to set up at church… etc, etc. Plus of course the little extras  like a grit-filled grazed knee (never easy with sensory processing difficulties).

Needless to say I woke up this morning feeling pretty rotten really. Tired, weary, and my body feeling stressed through and through.

I am learning as I get older (prob not wiser!) that mornings like that are a sign I need some time out and some head-space. Thankfully it’s been a flexible enough day for that to happen really easily and I’ve been pottering in the garden – while the kids are at school. But it is difficult not to feel guilty!

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Andrew doesn’t get the same chance, so here I am pottering in the sunshine while he is busy finishing prep for Sunday, and taking a few forgotten items down to church for the prayer room. And later, when we’re all back in he’ll be the one cooking dinner – and highly likely clearing up afterwards too! The house around me is in a serious mess as always (I hold on tight to the saying ‘a tidy house is a sign of a wasted life’!!), and the loos need cleaning, clothes need washing, bed covers need changing – and I’ve already pulled back from some of the busy things of the week to try and prevent this feeling – and all I can think right now is just how desperately I need some space, some less intense, down-time before school finishes and it all gets going again. Health professionals, friends, the TV all tell me self-care is important… but what does it mean as a Christian? I was brought up on verses like these, and the example of wonderfully busy, always-helping-people parents:

 ..don’t just do the minimum that will get you by. Do your best. Work from the heart for your real Master, for God, confident that you’ll get paid in full when you come into your inheritance. Keep in mind always that the ultimate Master you’re serving is Christ. The sullen servant who does shoddy work will be held responsible. Being a follower of Jesus doesn’t cover up bad work. (MSG Colossians 3:23)

Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labour in the Lord is not in vain. (1 Cor 15:58 NIV)

Isn’t self-care giving up, failing to meet these high standards?? Not being strong enough, good enough, enough?? Is self-care selfish?? It’s true, I sit here wishing I were stronger, more capable, that my body was more resilient and didn’t get so overwhelmed by anxiety symptoms so very often! But actually that is the body and mind I get to work with, that is my gift from God and it’s vulnerable, fragile, and real at the same time as being thoughtful, creative, tenacious. I simply cannot do more, and on days like these stopping for a bit is necessary if I am to stay well enough to be of any use to my family let alone anyone else, but is that an okay thing to think as a Christian?

As a father has compassion on his children,
    so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how we are formed,
    he remembers that we are dust.
15 The life of mortals is like grass,
    they flourish like a flower of the field… (Psalm 103:13-15 NIV)

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I don’t know the answer – if there is one! But I do know I am a child of a Father full of compassion who knows better than I do just how my body works and keeps going, who knows how my mind, my emotions and body all hold together and who loves me. The same Father who gave us a rest day as a pattern for good living. The same who took Elijah to the stream and let him sleep when he felt he couldn’t go on, then fed him, and let him sleep some more. Maybe instead of self-care I could do with rephrasing what’s essentially needed on days like this – not self-care, rather Daddy daughter time… time to rest, sleep, eat under his watchful eye, and allow him to care for me before sending me back to it (13 mins till I set off for pick up!) keeping close enough to sit me down again when I next need a breather. It’s possible I could live with that!

 

 

shifting sand: finding security as seasons change

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The seasons change as surely as the tide comes in.

A new term begins.

New adventures, new challenges. Back to a different pace and different demands on our time. Groups begin again, homework will loom, clubs after school all fitted around vicarage life and ministry again as that too changes gear for term time. Just like being at the water’s edge as it comes in some of us rush in wanting the excitement of the sudden cold wave crashing over our feet and some rush in and then jump back as each wave hits; others hang back wishing we could face the inevitable a little more gradually, feeling a little more in control! I guess most of us fluctuate between the options…

Standing in the edge of the waves as they come in lets you feel their unsettling tug, shifting the pebbles and sand under your toes as it pushes and pulls. With each back and forth they are lifted and adjusted, re settled into new arrangements and places. Change is unsettling, unpredictable. It’s the beginning of movement towards the unknown.

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Change also reveals what is constant, what is trustworthy. In the anxiety and stress of change we reach out for something steady and safe to hold onto, and some things we try to rely on wobble and others prove safe and strong. I love the paradox of the verse in lamentations. God’s love is both forever new and forever constant, faithful. It is in the ebb and flow of the change as we follow after his call, and yet is the solid, steady safe fixed point we can cling to.

B & I have begun using the ‘she reads truth’ app at bedtimes. We have been reading about God’s permanence in a changing, shifting existence. Tonight we were prompted to remember together that no matter what out circumstances or feelings, God’s word, God-truth is fixed… through every page of the Bible we hear God’s mercy-full ‘I Love you, I am coming to you’. It remains. It’s trustworthy. We can cling to it as things shift beneath our feet.

This is the way God put it: “They found grace out in the desert, these people who survived the killing. Israel, out looking for a place to rest, met God out looking for them!” God told them, “I’ve never quit loving you and never will. Expect love, love, and more love! (Jer 31:3 MSG)

I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you. (Jer 31:3 NRSV)

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present in the moment

I’m tired! Nothing new, I know.

But Monday was still sunny and T wanted to play in the garden, with the bat and ball. For a while I threw, she missed then picked the ball and batted it back in my direction (mostly!), then of course I ‘ran’, fetched the ball and we did it all again.

After a short while I sat down on the grass while T fetched the ball for once. She came over and sat with me, and we began to get comfy and become aware of all that was going on around us. We watched a fat bumbling bumble bee crawling in and out of a flower, and the buzz it made when squeezing out. We saw it’s little legs laden with yellow pollen.

And God saw that it was good!

(Gen 1:10)

We noticed the colours of the wild flowers coming up with the lawn… clover purple, buttercups bright yellow , daisies white but blushed pink at the edges. To get a closer look I lay down on the grass, and T climbed on my back. And we began to relax and rest. As we watched and listened to the garden we saw a pied wagtail coming and going, collecting insects. Sometimes running, sometimes jumping or hopping, sometimes slow with the tail bobbing. T noticed it always went to the same tree when it’s beak was stuffed full. So we chatted about whether there might be a nest there. Was this the same wagtail each time, or was it mum & then dad taking turns?

They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! (Lk 12:24)

We enjoyed it for a while (maybe even 5 mins – that’s a remarkable time with T still & absorbed with me there too) and then we tiptoed over to the tree to see what we could see. Up in the tree directly above us, almost within reach were two soft grey, downy, fluff-balls with bobbing tails! Baby wagtails! T was so excited, we ran in to fetch a camera and each had a go at trying to stand very still and film these wonderful birds. What a treat!

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It’s always a treat, a gift to share a moment like that with one of my children. We wonder together at the beauty of God’s creation. It’s intricate detail, it’s variety. I wonder at the care over the detail, each little baby bird known and loved by it’s creator. Each bird designed and decorated in joy. T found a tiny feather under the tree and ran in to put it in her feather jar – each one collected carefully, each a memory of wonder and discovery.