Love is patient, love is kind…practicing family love during lock down

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The trouble with lock down is that it is magnifying our weak spots! It is intense being together 24/7 for this length of time!! (Or is that just us – please tell me it isn’t)

Loving each other as a family cannot stay as words only, this pressurized time needs us to step up big time and become much more conscious of our actions towards each other. Not at all easy! Our actions means our tone of voice, our assumptions (often based on un-forgiven baggage lets face it), our body language and facial expressions (which of course we don’t all read in the same way which adds another layer of complexity), our acts of service and choices that affect each other.

The Bible gives us a daunting description of family love…

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

from 1 Cor 13

… and of course shows us what that love looks like in practice in the life and death of Jesus. The passage finishes with ‘LOVE NEVER FAILS’. Oh help!

Truth is, when I rely on my ability to ‘try, try, try again’ with even just one of the adjectives in the passage I run out. My fragile, incomplete ability to love is not enough to never fail my family. It is true that being a Christian is not to be perfect – but rather to know we need perfecting by the grace of God.

This week one of the new words for T in her school work at home was ‘invoke’, to actively invite and welcome in, to call upon the presence of. A word that for me conjours up a picture of embrace… which is not simply me embracing an abstract concept when it comes to God, but rather a real living, holy presence who is also actively invested in the embrace! I’m reminded of Jesus’ parable of the prodigal’s return and the Father who out ran the shame and disgrace to reach his child and clothe him with honour, and crown him with love. We are invited into an embrace full of love – love so abundantly given that there is enough to fill us to overflowing.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Col 3:12-14

We still ‘try, try, try again’ – but wrapping the clothes God gives us really close, fully embracing his loving grace-filled presence (yep – on a good day!!), allowing his love to embrace us – our thinking, our actions and words.

God’s not finished with me yet!

 

 

Bible reading together: free printable for scrapbooking with God

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I have been having a think about different ways we can look at understanding Bible stories together when we do manage to read them. There are layers of understanding going on whenever we read the Bible. Understanding of the language itself, and the ins and outs of the stories is happening. But as well as that there is a process of understanding that the story is part of our own story, they are words that give us identity and definition, they shape our own life – this happens on a cultural and a faith level. And as well as that there is the spiritual understanding, we believe this book to be full of words through which God speaks into our lives, words through which the Holy Spirit breathes life into our hearts whispering how we belong, how we are forgiven, how we are loved.

I have produced some doodle pages that might help me enable us to explore these different layers of understanding as we read the Bible together. Each page opens up discussion and thinking in one of these layers.

Download free printable

glossary of a diagnosis

It seems a lifetime ago that we began the long search for understanding – the pathways to a diagnosis. Ultimately as parents we long to deeply bond with and get to know our children, these wonderful, tiny, unique gifts. We long to understand so we can share life together, and provide well for their needs and watch them thrive and grow. Looking for a diagnosis for us was not a desire for a label, or to find the right ‘box’ – it was to understand and from that understanding to love the best we can, support the best we can, and protect the best we can.

There have been so many professions and medical terms that we have encountered in the process, it has been a little bewildering at times and definitely overwhelming sometimes. But I have definitely learnt a lot: here’s a taste of some of the phrases we have had to find out about!

  • ADOS – a set of observational assessments used to diagnose autism.
  • Autism – Also known as Autism Spectrum Condition, and Autism Spectrum Disorder. A condition with distinct areas of difference (neuro-divergence) from the norm (neuro-typical) in terms of thinking and imagination, social interaction and communication – in our house we refer to these differences as superpowers!

Autism is a spectrum condition. All autistic people share certain difficulties, but being autistic will affect them in different ways.

These differences, along with differences in diagnostic approach, have resulted in a variety of terms being used to diagnose autistic people. Terms that have been used include autism, autism spectrum disorder (ASD), autism spectrum condition (ASC), atypical autism, classic autism, Kanner autism, pervasive developmental disorder (PDD), high-functioning autism (HFA), Asperger syndrome and pathological demand avoidance (PDA). (from the national autistic society)

  • Alexithymia – inability to identify and describe your own emotions.
  • Dermatillomania – compulsive picking of skin.
  • DISCO – a lengthy questionnaire based diagnostic assessment.
  • Echolalia – a very precise copying of a word or phrase, from TV or a person. Sometimes for self-calming like stimming, sometimes for communication.
  • EHCP – Education & Health Care Plan, fairly new in the UK it’s aim is to be a joined up thinking, legal document of a child’s needs and support needed as they go through the education system.
  • Hypermobility – Hypermobile joints, but also for some hypermobile or stretchy skin, and joining tissues throughout the body with huge affects on health. Ehlers Danlos has found this is also a spectrum condition with sub-diagnostic terms. (Find out more about EDS here.)

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  • IEP – an Independent Education Plan, a system of setting goals and reviewing in a positive cycle with school.
  • Lanugo – fine downy hair growing on back or face when the body is in starvation mode. Not a term I want to have found out about really.
  • Meltdown – different from temper tantrums, connected to sensory information overload. I wrote more about it here.
  • One sided verbosity – not taking turns in conversation; rather talking at someone, using a lot of words.
  • …RefusalSchool Refusal; absolute paralysing panic about going to and being at school resulting in extreme avoidant behaviour (hiding, throwing, kicking, biting, running away). It can mean it is impossible to keep going to school for some. Food Refusal; panic about eating resulting in extreme avoidant behaviour. Can be connected to sensory hypersensitivity, neophobia (fear of new – normal phase in early childhood), and cognitive rigidity (connected to context, utensils, brand, look of the food). It means a restricted diet, and heaps of anxiety around food.
  • Selective mutism – I have written about this here; an inability to speak due to panic.
  • SEND – Special Educational Needs and Disabilities – a term used in schools where there will be a list of students identified as having SEND, and a SENCO (Special Educational Needs Coordinator) whose job is to coordinate support.
  • Sensory Processing – talking about the way our brain & body works to process the information it receives through the senses (taste, smell, sight, sounds, touch, knowing where our body is, understanding what the inside of our body is needing/doing) Just as each of us experiences pain differently, all the senses can be experienced differently. Sometimes someone can be hypersensitive to a particular type of sensory information, and/or hypo sensitive (not able to take in enough sensory feedback in a particular area).

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  • Sleep Hygiene – a term used to mean the good habits and routines that help our bodies get a good and easy night’s sleep. You know, no screens near to bedtime, ‘bath, story, bed’, have a calming bedroom, lights out etc. You can do courses in this too – yes been there done that!
  • Slow processing – talking about the speed your brain can take in information (either visual information, or audible) and respond to it.
  • Stimming – a repetitive movement, sound or word used to self regulate.
  • Webster-Stratton – a parenting philosophy and method. It’s not specific to autism, and you’d recognize it by it’s ‘time out’ method (1 min for every year old, no communication, stay on the step…). I completed basic and advanced levels at our local children’s center. But found the strategies didn’t work with us. I also found I wanted to adapt the time out process to include a sorry & forgiven stage. The part that was useful was the chance to see that we were getting lots of good parenting done – and that B’s reactions and behaviours were not typical.
  • 1,2,3 Magic – another parenting course, this time written by someone with autism in mind. Confusingly it uses the phrase ‘time out’ in a completely different way – a time to calm down and regulate. All about picking your battles, ‘contracts’, simple strategies, and tailoring rewards & consequences to your child.

I’m sure there are loads more that haven’t come to mind right now. And I’m certain there are heaps more still to encounter.

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Role models

Growing up in a Christian home, a manse with many people coming and going, a faith filled extended family, and being at the heart of church family life meant I had many followers of Jesus as role models. I can sit here and think of a number of really significant people whose life of faith has encouraged, strengthened and challenged mine as I grew (and continue growing!). From Sunday school teachers and youth house-group hosts to honorary church grannies who listened and shared life with us, from Bible college tutors and fellow ordinands to Mums like me living out their faith I have been shaped and inspired by other Christians.

Prayer bubbles and commisioning

It was Paul who said rather challengingly:

Follow my example, just as I follow the example of Christ. (1 Cor 11:1)

It wasn’t just people alongside me either. As a child I loved reading biographies (still do given half a chance!) of Christians doing extraordinary things with God. Books like ‘Through gates of Splendour’, the story of the Elizabeth Elliot; the writings of Corrie Ten Boom; or the story of Mary Jones walking to find a Bible shaped me and inspired me – they still do.

One of the youth sessions at the New Wine summer conference that A came away talking about was an evening when a woman from North Korea came to give some of her testimony. She had become a Christian, had escaped, found a Bible and written it out in its entirety committing much of it to memory. Later whilst in Prison for her faith and escape, she had shared her faith despite the dangers and had started a church that met in the prison toilets which was so very dirty that guards never went near, and they prayed and recited scripture in whispers. She spoke of the reality of living as a secret Christian, of people burying Bibles to keep them hidden and going at night to dig them up read them, of the danger of being known as a Christian and yet how faith is being shared. For A it was I think one of those encounters that will shape him. We have certainly all come back less complacent about how easy it is for us to reach for a Bible and to read God’s words to us.

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Hearing testimonies like this from Christians whose experience is so different from ours is so challenging, and so needed in our growth in faith and belonging in the church. These are the testimonies that have made me courageous (terrified yet stepping out with God) in my life of faith.

“As parents we are the main spiritual influence in our children’s lives. And as we discover more abut what it means to ‘abide in him’, we have an amazing opportunity on the roller-coaster ride of family life to model to them what seeking to live in a real relationship with God actually looks like.” (p47, ‘Raising Faith’ Katharine Hill & Andy Frost)

It is a daunting thought that I am a role model of a life of faith in my children’s life. I certainly don’t want my life to be the only one they look at to see what a life of faith looks like. I want to enable them to encounter many others too who will inspire them and show them in different ways, and through different experiences what following after God can be like. Being regularly part of church family is great, and opening the doors of our home to others as often as we can is good too. RE projects (Gladys Aylward is now very well known to B & I), talks, films, you tube, family and books (10 girls who changed the world, by Irene Howat is good – there’s a boys one too) – the opportunities for introducing our children and young people to other Christian role models are many and so very interesting and inspiring. Helping my three to hear other’s stories of faith feeds me too.

 

 

Dreaming of better things: conversations about ‘The Greatest Showman’

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The other week we managed a cinema trip as a whole family!! (a good reminder that miracles do happen!) We watched ‘The Greatest Showman’, and absolutely loved it. Each of us enjoying the music and dancing, the editing, the story.

As usual we came away with plenty to talk about – as well as new songs stuck in our heads, that have to be sung. And this film left us with questions that needed answers.

Based loosely on the life story of Mr Barnum, the man who dreamed circuses into being the story depicts society misfits – through class, colour and through disability – coming together to forge themselves a place in the world, to be accepted and recognized as valuable. And so it deals with big themes; rejection, prejudice, contentment and discontent, affirmation, belonging, the human spirit, community…

Now the film depicts Mr Barnum as a lovable flawed hero whose dream creates a family by bringing a group of people together who have only ever found rejection. It does wrestle a little with his own sense of rejection and his striving after social acceptance which leads to him turning his back on his troupe in pursuit of his ultimate dream. But even so he is the film’s hero. Yet as my A quickly found out when we’d got home the real Mr Barnum story was almost exclusively the struggle to make it in the world – and none of the creating of a family. Yes he did collect together social misfits but he didn’t even come close to treating them kindly or as equals. So is the way the film lets us believe in a better version of history at best misleading, at worst glossing over the reality of the prejudice and inhumane treatment of those of different race or of different abilities by society in the past? Or does it actually give us a vision of something to strive for – a community of equality and respect?

So how can I talk with my children about these things?

Is Hollywood history? Is it right for film makers to tell history in a better light? How important is it to find out truthful history? What really happened? Does God ever ignore the tragic or wrong, does he ever only see the good in our lives and our stories?

‘these hands could hold the world but it’ll never be enough’ What did the characters want most in the world? Did they find it? Can we ever find and get everything we long for or think we need? Are we wanting the same things that God wants for us I wonder?

I am the Lord your God. I brought you up out of Egypt. Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it with good things. (Ps 81:10 NIRV)

Find your delight in the Lord. Then he will give you everything your heart really wants. (Ps37:4 NIRV)

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Can we ‘rewrite the stars’? In 2017 headlines were telling us that hate crime against people with disability had increased by 150% over 2 years in the UK. And statistics showed a marked increase in race and faith based hate crime following the Brexit referendum in the UK.  Prejudice is still very much an active part of society in the here and now. The characters Philip & Anne wanted it to be different but didn’t know where to begin. What can we do to change things? Is it possible? Does God also have a dream to change things? What will things look like and be like in the world he’s going to make?

Cause every night I lie in bed
The brightest colors fill my head

A million dreams are keeping me awake
I think of what the world could be
A vision of the one I see
A million dreams is all it’s gonna take
A million dreams for the world we’re gonna make (Lyrics from ‘A million dreams)

‘I am brave, I am bruised. I am who I’m meant to be, this is me.’ These are words from the song Lettie sings when she sees that Barnum has also let them down. ‘Won’t let them break me down to dust. I know that there’s a place for us. For we are glorious.’ Barnum is the main character of the film, but who are the other heroes? Why are they heroes? Have you ever felt let down like Lettie? Have you ever felt brave like Lettie? Who or what makes you brave?

‘a celebration of humanity’ the newspaper reporter concedes that another reporter might even have said his circus was a celebration of humanity. In what way are all unique? Is difference something to celebrate and value? Does God celebrate difference – does he value all of humanity? How does our understanding of God change how we behave towards others?

For the love of Christ puts us into action. We are sure that Christ died for everyone. (2 Cor 5:14 NLT)

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