Tired

When people ask ‘how are you?’ what do you reply?

‘Fine’

‘Good’

‘yep, how are you?’

One of my go-to replies is ‘head above water!’ But in the midst of the relentless, coming-at-me, complicated, tiring, purposeful, joyful, infuriating, beautiful life of ours there are times when I add in my head – ‘just’. You know that kind of tired when you’ve been treading water for so long the weary ache sets in, or you’ve been carrying something just slightly too heavy or awkward and suddenly you just have to put it down for a minute, when you’re running to catch up with someone and you’re nearly there – but not quite. That tired.

That tired that opens the door to the insecurities – ‘I can’t do this’, ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘what’s the point in trying’, ‘it won’t work’, ‘I’m failing’, ‘I always fail’, ‘I’m a failure, rubbish, why bother’, ‘nobody, invisible…’ – and a tiny voice in the midst of the clamor ‘ ‘help!’. Elijah tired.

When Elijah saw how things were, he ran for dear life to Beersheba, far in the south of Judah. He left his young servant there and then went on into the desert another day’s journey. He came to a lone broom bush and collapsed in its shade, wanting in the worst way to be done with it all—to just die: “Enough of this, God! Take my life—I’m ready to join my ancestors in the grave!” Exhausted, he fell asleep under the lone broom bush.

Suddenly an angel shook him awake and said, “Get up and eat!”

He looked around and, to his surprise, right by his head were a loaf of bread baked on some coals and a jug of water. He ate the meal and went back to sleep.

The angel of God came back, shook him awake again, and said, “Get up and eat some more—you’ve got a long journey ahead of you.”

8-9 He got up, ate and drank his fill, and set out. Nourished by that meal, he walked forty days and nights, all the way to the mountain of God, to Horeb. When he got there, he crawled into a cave and went to sleep.

Then the word of God came to him: “So Elijah, what are you doing here?” (1 Kings 19:3-9 MSG)

I come back to this passage over and over again. So human. So real. And God, our Father so gentle and purposeful. ‘There’s still a journey to make, eat, sleep, come on keep following – I’m here with you – one thing at a time Elijah’. We are seen, known by name, loved and sent with purpose & company. Time to catch a breath, eat & sleep the best I can and keep on stepping out with God.

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Snowdrop moments: unexpected breakthroughs

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Love, love, love snowdrops don’t you. Little nuggets of resilience and pioneering spirit. Humble simple beauty when it’s least expected and looked for, when everything is cold & hard, and just when it’s needed to lift the spirits and urge us forward. I carefully divided and replanted some clumps of bulbs last autumn, and am enjoying watching them fight their way into flower in their new homes around the garden. For me they are a reminder of the fact that God is in the business of making everything new – and that begins now, in the unexpected; against the odds; tenacious; fragile and simple yet miraculously powerful breakthroughs that God allows to spring up ready to be found and rejoiced in. They remind me to rejoice with God in the small significant ‘newnesses’ that happen in our family life.

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A sewing birthday party attended despite huge anxiety and thoroughly enjoyed. Huge sense of achievement. The photo shows fluffy the bear, designed and sewed by T alongside a great group of girls from her class.

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T had homework this week to cook a healthy tea for her family!

Andrew helped, I provided emotional support! And T cooked chicken pasta. Exhausting.

Hidden in this amazing event was an equally amazing moment as T sat with B & A and a friend at the kitchen table and all ate some – a new recipe tried by everyone – don’t try & tell me God doesn’t break into our everyday, that’s definitely miraculous.

 

This morning A allowed T to sit in his room, and they peacefully ate breakfast alongside each other. (I know!!!)

College work, a very new way of presenting and handing in, is being completed.

We have had a visit from a good friend, who helps us in ways she probably doesn’t realize. And, in the same few days another friend came round so that Andrew & I could go out for a meal. I know, sounds so ordinary yet never ever taken for granted.

img_20190122_102331_045I am pressing on with the editing of another book – the one that sparked all the others – about time I focused on it again and got it ready to share with you, think you’re going to love it.

Last week I also travelled (not far, but even so, out of my little comfort zone) to help deliver a disability (or diffability as I like to think of it) awareness training session for the diocese and had the chance to share a bit about ‘sense of space’, our accessible worship at church and our experience. And we juggled school pick ups successfully between us.

All of these small, significant, moments – snowdrop moments if you like – can be moments to recognize God is at work in our midst. He is drawing us forward, revealing his faithfulness, his humour, his joy in who he has created each of us to be; leading us into his life – his overflowing, never ending aliveness that he pours into our lives. Tough circumstances, worries, lack of sleep, diffability; none of it stops God in his busyness of recreating. His aliveness is powerful enough to break through the hardest, coldest places of our lives in ways unexpected; against the odds; tenacious; fragile yet powerful.

 

 

glossary of a diagnosis

It seems a lifetime ago that we began the long search for understanding – the pathways to a diagnosis. Ultimately as parents we long to deeply bond with and get to know our children, these wonderful, tiny, unique gifts. We long to understand so we can share life together, and provide well for their needs and watch them thrive and grow. Looking for a diagnosis for us was not a desire for a label, or to find the right ‘box’ – it was to understand and from that understanding to love the best we can, support the best we can, and protect the best we can.

There have been so many professions and medical terms that we have encountered in the process, it has been a little bewildering at times and definitely overwhelming sometimes. But I have definitely learnt a lot: here’s a taste of some of the phrases we have had to find out about!

  • ADOS – a set of observational assessments used to diagnose autism.
  • Autism – Also known as Autism Spectrum Condition, and Autism Spectrum Disorder. A condition with distinct areas of difference (neuro-divergence) from the norm (neuro-typical) in terms of thinking and imagination, social interaction and communication – in our house we refer to these differences as superpowers!

Autism is a spectrum condition. All autistic people share certain difficulties, but being autistic will affect them in different ways.

These differences, along with differences in diagnostic approach, have resulted in a variety of terms being used to diagnose autistic people. Terms that have been used include autism, autism spectrum disorder (ASD), autism spectrum condition (ASC), atypical autism, classic autism, Kanner autism, pervasive developmental disorder (PDD), high-functioning autism (HFA), Asperger syndrome and pathological demand avoidance (PDA). (from the national autistic society)

  • Alexithymia – inability to identify and describe your own emotions.
  • Dermatillomania – compulsive picking of skin.
  • DISCO – a lengthy questionnaire based diagnostic assessment.
  • Echolalia – a very precise copying of a word or phrase, from TV or a person. Sometimes for self-calming like stimming, sometimes for communication.
  • EHCP – Education & Health Care Plan, fairly new in the UK it’s aim is to be a joined up thinking, legal document of a child’s needs and support needed as they go through the education system.
  • Hypermobility – Hypermobile joints, but also for some hypermobile or stretchy skin, and joining tissues throughout the body with huge affects on health. Ehlers Danlos has found this is also a spectrum condition with sub-diagnostic terms. (Find out more about EDS here.)

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  • IEP – an Independent Education Plan, a system of setting goals and reviewing in a positive cycle with school.
  • Lanugo – fine downy hair growing on back or face when the body is in starvation mode. Not a term I want to have found out about really.
  • Meltdown – different from temper tantrums, connected to sensory information overload. I wrote more about it here.
  • One sided verbosity – not taking turns in conversation; rather talking at someone, using a lot of words.
  • …RefusalSchool Refusal; absolute paralysing panic about going to and being at school resulting in extreme avoidant behaviour (hiding, throwing, kicking, biting, running away). It can mean it is impossible to keep going to school for some. Food Refusal; panic about eating resulting in extreme avoidant behaviour. Can be connected to sensory hypersensitivity, neophobia (fear of new – normal phase in early childhood), and cognitive rigidity (connected to context, utensils, brand, look of the food). It means a restricted diet, and heaps of anxiety around food.
  • Selective mutism – I have written about this here; an inability to speak due to panic.
  • SEND – Special Educational Needs and Disabilities – a term used in schools where there will be a list of students identified as having SEND, and a SENCO (Special Educational Needs Coordinator) whose job is to coordinate support.
  • Sensory Processing – talking about the way our brain & body works to process the information it receives through the senses (taste, smell, sight, sounds, touch, knowing where our body is, understanding what the inside of our body is needing/doing) Just as each of us experiences pain differently, all the senses can be experienced differently. Sometimes someone can be hypersensitive to a particular type of sensory information, and/or hypo sensitive (not able to take in enough sensory feedback in a particular area).

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  • Sleep Hygiene – a term used to mean the good habits and routines that help our bodies get a good and easy night’s sleep. You know, no screens near to bedtime, ‘bath, story, bed’, have a calming bedroom, lights out etc. You can do courses in this too – yes been there done that!
  • Slow processing – talking about the speed your brain can take in information (either visual information, or audible) and respond to it.
  • Stimming – a repetitive movement, sound or word used to self regulate.
  • Webster-Stratton – a parenting philosophy and method. It’s not specific to autism, and you’d recognize it by it’s ‘time out’ method (1 min for every year old, no communication, stay on the step…). I completed basic and advanced levels at our local children’s center. But found the strategies didn’t work with us. I also found I wanted to adapt the time out process to include a sorry & forgiven stage. The part that was useful was the chance to see that we were getting lots of good parenting done – and that B’s reactions and behaviours were not typical.
  • 1,2,3 Magic – another parenting course, this time written by someone with autism in mind. Confusingly it uses the phrase ‘time out’ in a completely different way – a time to calm down and regulate. All about picking your battles, ‘contracts’, simple strategies, and tailoring rewards & consequences to your child.

I’m sure there are loads more that haven’t come to mind right now. And I’m certain there are heaps more still to encounter.

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is selfcare selfish?

So, it’s been a pretty full on week in the Porter household. GCSE exams began in earnest – a full timetable this week, and study leave starting on Monday; Paediatrician appointment for T (and all the next steps admin to do afterwards!); dentist for B,A & T; Thy Kingdom Come prayer room to set up at church… etc, etc. Plus of course the little extras  like a grit-filled grazed knee (never easy with sensory processing difficulties).

Needless to say I woke up this morning feeling pretty rotten really. Tired, weary, and my body feeling stressed through and through.

I am learning as I get older (prob not wiser!) that mornings like that are a sign I need some time out and some head-space. Thankfully it’s been a flexible enough day for that to happen really easily and I’ve been pottering in the garden – while the kids are at school. But it is difficult not to feel guilty!

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Andrew doesn’t get the same chance, so here I am pottering in the sunshine while he is busy finishing prep for Sunday, and taking a few forgotten items down to church for the prayer room. And later, when we’re all back in he’ll be the one cooking dinner – and highly likely clearing up afterwards too! The house around me is in a serious mess as always (I hold on tight to the saying ‘a tidy house is a sign of a wasted life’!!), and the loos need cleaning, clothes need washing, bed covers need changing – and I’ve already pulled back from some of the busy things of the week to try and prevent this feeling – and all I can think right now is just how desperately I need some space, some less intense, down-time before school finishes and it all gets going again. Health professionals, friends, the TV all tell me self-care is important… but what does it mean as a Christian? I was brought up on verses like these, and the example of wonderfully busy, always-helping-people parents:

 ..don’t just do the minimum that will get you by. Do your best. Work from the heart for your real Master, for God, confident that you’ll get paid in full when you come into your inheritance. Keep in mind always that the ultimate Master you’re serving is Christ. The sullen servant who does shoddy work will be held responsible. Being a follower of Jesus doesn’t cover up bad work. (MSG Colossians 3:23)

Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labour in the Lord is not in vain. (1 Cor 15:58 NIV)

Isn’t self-care giving up, failing to meet these high standards?? Not being strong enough, good enough, enough?? Is self-care selfish?? It’s true, I sit here wishing I were stronger, more capable, that my body was more resilient and didn’t get so overwhelmed by anxiety symptoms so very often! But actually that is the body and mind I get to work with, that is my gift from God and it’s vulnerable, fragile, and real at the same time as being thoughtful, creative, tenacious. I simply cannot do more, and on days like these stopping for a bit is necessary if I am to stay well enough to be of any use to my family let alone anyone else, but is that an okay thing to think as a Christian?

As a father has compassion on his children,
    so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how we are formed,
    he remembers that we are dust.
15 The life of mortals is like grass,
    they flourish like a flower of the field… (Psalm 103:13-15 NIV)

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I don’t know the answer – if there is one! But I do know I am a child of a Father full of compassion who knows better than I do just how my body works and keeps going, who knows how my mind, my emotions and body all hold together and who loves me. The same Father who gave us a rest day as a pattern for good living. The same who took Elijah to the stream and let him sleep when he felt he couldn’t go on, then fed him, and let him sleep some more. Maybe instead of self-care I could do with rephrasing what’s essentially needed on days like this – not self-care, rather Daddy daughter time… time to rest, sleep, eat under his watchful eye, and allow him to care for me before sending me back to it (13 mins till I set off for pick up!) keeping close enough to sit me down again when I next need a breather. It’s possible I could live with that!

 

 

Easter photo diary

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So sorry to have missed posting last Thursday, it has proved a very busy couple of weeks. So rather than missing another week, I’m hoping you won’t mind a post with more photos than words! (probably a welcome relief!!)

Last Thursday schools finished for the Easter break, and simultaneously Andrew’s parents arrived for the weekend and we all went to church to ‘help’ set up for Passover – it helps considerably to get there ahead of the crowds.

Passover itself went as smoothly as could be expected with a very tired T who didn’t really want to be there! The ramp up to the front of church was a useful escape place a couple of times, and we averted a meltdown by escaping to a corner to calm down. So thankful for the support of church family at these events – no tutting or staring, just acceptance! And wonderful friends who are able to coax T and distract her when I’m reaching the end of my patience…

Good Friday was a spacious, informal hands on experience at church. Thinking about Jesus’ hands and our own. It was meaningful, poignant as always to be exploring faith and reflecting together with all ages and abilities.

Followed by a family afternoon with all its usual ups and downs, finishing with popcorn & a film.

We survived Saturday!

Easter Sunday was an early start for Andrew, followed by a whole church family celebration with bacon butties which the rest of us joined for. Afterwards a lovely table full of guests and good food for lunch, then back to church for our accessible service in which we explored clues from the Easter story to find out what happened to Jesus & his friends.

Since then our visitors have travelled home, it has rained – a lot!- we have had lazy pj days with lots of TV, some gardening, some tidying, some window washing (I know, what came over me!), table sanding, sleepless nights and talk of revision, and of course chocolate eating!!

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